Salam, dear Sabha.

Thank you for your long but interesting question. Obviously you have spent a long time researching the topic, and I agree with many of your conclusions related to rights and responsibilities, and to equity and justice among people.

Yet, it is important to separate the laws from the faulty practices of individuals, so I will focus here on addressing your main concern about the general concept of polygamy in Islam.

I am a woman just like you, so I perfectly understand how you feel about "sharing your man" with another woman, regardless of the circumstances, because it is a woman's natural instinct to protect the stability of her home.

However, if we seek objectivity and fairness in addressing this issue, we must examine it from all sides involved, respecting all of them equally. That is how Islam handles social issues involving different people, in this case 3 or more Muslim individuals and their families, the society they live in, and the laws that regulate their behavior.

Since your main concern is for women, let me leave discussing the man's side until the very end and let's look at your side first.

The First Woman's Rights

Under Islam, you have free choice and you are not required to do anything against your will. Consequently, you are not obliged to accept being a co-wife if it is impossible for you to tolerate. Many scholars affirm that you can state it as a condition in your wedding contract.

Accepting polygamy is not a matter of creed, so you do not have to accept it in order to become a Muslim. It does not affect your faith if you continue examining its philosophy while you are Muslim. And you have the right not to apply it to yourself. So, please do not allow Satan to trick you.

In Islam, polygamy is not the rule, monogamy is. Polygamy is neither mandated, nor recommended, it is merely allowed if needed (as you seem to understand profoundly).

Actually the Quran is the only noble book that says "marry only one":

*{But if you fear that you cannot be equitable [to them], then marry only one}* (An-Nisaa' 4:3)

Before Islam, a man could marry an unlimited number of women. Islam actually limited the number with equity among the women as a precondition ensuring women's rights and men's responsibilities towards their wives and children.

A first wife and her household enjoy full rights over her husband. Remarrying is not a license for men to "punish" their wives or neglect their first home's responsibilities. A second marriage is not a solution to the problems in the first one, which should be solved first if they existed.

Which is more bearable and respectable from a wife's perspective: to know that her husband is having a secret affair with a questionable woman (or women), or to recognize his lawful, public marriage with a respectable woman?

Some women surprised me by preferring that he had an affair so they would be the victims enjoying support from everyone! Yet, this means that a man is allowed to commit adultery in secret, and at the expense of another woman who is being abused and her rights disregarded. In Islam, this is not an option.

The Other Woman's Rights

What if the situation was one of the acceptable circumstances you listed (for example: many widows of war) and you were the second woman who needed a husband, how would you feel then? Would you still oppose this solution, or try to find all the logical reasons why it was perfectly alright?

Assuming she is a respectable, God-fearing Muslim woman who was approached by an equally respectable Muslim man for a lawful marriage, we must remember that she too has to share him with another woman, whom he already loves and respects, which means she only enjoys second place in his life, while bearing society's accusations as the evil "man snatcher".

Often, she is merely accepting a compromise because of circumstances, and would rather not step down to such a status if she had the choice. Consequently, she has given her equal rights as a public wife, instead of being abused into accepting the degrading role of a mistress.

In Egypt for example, according to a 2008 government statistic, roughly 165,000 men have more than one wife each, while 11 million men have only one wife each.

In a country where there are 10 million single women, 3 million above 30 and never married (which means they are unfairly deprived of their physical and psychological rights), it's not surprising that 800,000 of them have accepted the status of co-wives, and nearly 600 women with post graduate education have accepted marrying uneducated men.

So, as you stated, circumstances must be taken into consideration.

Society Under Islam

The wellbeing of society as a whole is a top priority in Islam. Everyone's rights are equally respected and protected as long as they respect the laws and bear their responsibilities. Men and woman in Islam are much more than just equal; they each have a tailored set of rights and responsibilities suited to each sex's roles in family and society, because God has created them as complimentary partners, not identical copies of each other.

Under Islam, a man's responsibility towards all women in society is to respect them equally and protect their chastity. Consequently, he is expected to lawfully marry women he is interested in as the only way for having an intimate relationship.

If we think about it, this rule is actually an effective deterrent against starting a relationship just for fun or variety. Most men would not want to go through the expenses and responsibilities of marriage more than once, so they would think twice before remarrying if society protected its women from being used or abused, which is what Islamic law enforces.

The Man's Side

Now that we discussed women's rights and wellbeing, let's turn to the men.

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), who is the model Muslim, stayed with his first wife lady Khadijah in a monogamous marriage for 25 years until she died, and remembered her with fondness and love until he died. This sets the rule for everyone that a good woman is worth keeping and cherishing for life.

The same man however, was part of polygamous marriages after her death, which means both scenarios are equally lawful and permissible under the appropriate circumstances.

Recent psychological research reveals that it is naive and unrealistic to expect men and women to think and feel exactly alike since they are created differently in most biological and psychological aspects.

The following book is an eye-opener on the different natures of men and women Why Men Don't Listen & Women Can't Read Maps" by Barbara & Allan Pease, a British couple. They both are experts on communication and relationships.

Here is a brief excerpt from pages 220–239:

Men are Not Monogamous by Nature. Human males fit the physical specifications of polygamous species; no wonder men have a constant battle to stay monogamous. According to the Kinsey Institute, world leader in human sex research, without society's social rules, nearly all men would be promiscuous, as 80% of all human societies have been for most of human existence. Since the arrival of the age of monogamy, men's biological urge has caused constant mayhem for couples trying to build a relationship and is the number one cause of modern relationship problems.

Men are not biologically inclined to complete monogamy. This is wired into a man's brain as a legacy of his evolutionary past for hundreds of thousands of years. Modern man is still equipped with a large hypothalamus and enormous amounts of testosterone to fulfill his ancient urge to procreate. While most men can live in a monogamous relationship, their brain demands polygamous mental stimulation, to seek out and mate with as many healthy females as possible.

In 1999, Drs Larry Young and Thomas Insel of Emory University in Atlanta carried out studies on two groups of rodents called voles, where they took the gene that plays a role in male behaviors from a monogamous vole and inserted it into the polygamous vole. They discovered that the resulting 'new mice' became more like females!

Obviously, this is not what wives seek in their husbands. However, this does not mean there should be no rules to regulate one's urges, the researchers go on to explain:

In discussing men's urge to be promiscuous, we are not promoting such behavior or providing men with an excuse for infidelity. We live today in a world where our own biology is often completely at odds with our expectations and demands. The fact that something may be instinctive or natural doesn't mean that it's good for us. The brain of a moth gives it an instinctive attraction towards bright lights which allows the moth to navigate at night. Unfortunately for the modern moth, by doing what is natural and instinctive, it flies into the zapper and is incinerated instantly. Modern men have a choice of avoiding self-incineration as a result of doing what comes naturally.

This is where Islam steps in, both to regulate, and to offer realistic solutions: if a man is strong enough to curb his urges and limit them to one woman, he is abundantly rewarded for keeping out of sin and from troubling his home.

If not, then he has another lawful compromise which is to marry again, but this comes with a huge responsibility attached towards both households with equal attention.

But if he was unfair, neglected the responsibilities, or chose to commit adultery despite the lawful solutions offered, then he must face the consequences in this life and the next.

In short, a Muslim man is allowed another marriage, only on the condition of protecting his first marriage while building a new family; otherwise, he is unfit for the offer.

I hope this puts your concerns to rest, we will be happy to welcome you to Islam soon with the grace of Allah and we are looking forward to staying in touch.

Salam.

Useful Links:

One Eve For Adam, So Why Polygamy?

Apostasy, Polygamy, and Adultery

Polygamy Between Fairness and Hypocrisy

Questioning Polygamy

About Divorce and Polygamy

Polygamy Between Islam and the West

The Messenger of Peace... A Man of Polygamy?!

Polygamy and Polyandry

Polygamy in Christianity and Islam

Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps(External Link)