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| Guest Name |
Jeewan Chanicka and Jamilah Kolocotronis
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New Muslims... Surviving the Holiday Season
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Wednesday, Dec. 21, 2005
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Makkah
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From... 00:00...To...02:00
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Dear visitors,
The session has just started. Please feel free to join us with your questions.
After the session has ended, you can view the whole dialogue by clicking Recent Sessions, or later on Archive .
For feedback and suggestions, please e-mail us at EngLivedialogue@islamonline.net.
Yours,
Islamonline Live Dialogue Editing Desk
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Jersey man
- United States
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How do you respond to your Christian mother if she says, "how can you preach tolerance and you don't show your own family the times they believe it is feast and blessed?"
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Brother Jeewan answers:
Salam brother, can you elaborate on this question so I can give you a fair response?
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Mehboob
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Salamu 'alaykum. I wanted to ask about what to say to people (some even are Muslims) who ask: since Muslims say they believe in Jesus, why don’t they celebrate Christmas?
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Brother Jeewan answers:
All praise is due to Allah, Lord of Adam, Moses, Abraham, Jesus and Muhammad, peace be upon them and all of His noble messengers. May Allah bless His beloved prophet, family, companions and all those who follow him until the Day of Judgment.
As Muslims, we do believe in Jesus, peace be upon him, in the Divine conception of Mary (peace be upon her) and in the second coming of Jesus, peace be on him. However we do take issue with the belief that he was born on Dec 25th. In fact if you do a little more research, God Willing, you will discover that the celebration of Christmas on Dec 25th has nothing to do with Jesus at all.
In following Jesus, as Muslims, we try hard to adhere to the message he brought to us which was to please Allah SWT, who was/is the Lord and Creator of the worlds. And that we need no intercessor to reach the Father because all we have to do is call upon Him and He will hear and answer our prayers. This is what we understand of him. However, we respect our Christian neighbors and wish them the best on their festival and not be rude or condescending in anyway as this is not the way of Islam or Muslims. Christians and members of other faiths always enjoyed protection and were able to practice according to their beliefs under the goodness and proper understanding of good Islamic rulers.
And Allah knows best.
Sister Jamilah answers :
That's a very interesting question. I've never heard that one before.
There are a number of reasons. First, December 25 was not even the day Isa (Jesus), peace be upon him, was born. Scholars know that he was born in the spring, most likely April. December 25 was a pagan holiday adapted for Christian use.
In addition, many Muslims do not celebrate the birthday of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), the last of all prophets. I'm not going to get into the reasoning behind that. But why should we celebrate the birthdays of other prophets?
Finally, we already have our two Eids, which have been established through the Qur'an and Sunnah. Christmas had already been established at the time of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), and he never observed it, so we need to follow his example.
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John
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My family is not very religious, but they still like to get together for Christmas. Generally not all of us are able to get together every year, with no hard feelings. However, since I converted, my parents have become very sensitive to my attending these gatherings. They feel that anything I don’t do with them is because I am Muslim and only socialize with other Muslims. They are very sensitive and feel that I look down on them… how can I allay their fears?
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Brother Jeewan answers:
All praise is due to Allah SWT Who has guided you to this noble path. May Allah bless His beloved prophet, family, companions and all those who follow him until the Day of Judgement.
My dear brother,
You have asked a very important question, one which many reverts struggle with - how to maintain the balance between pleasing Allah SWT and maintaining good relations with your family.
We must remember that Allah SWT is the One Who guided us to this path; it is something that keeps us humble and remembering His favour upon us. It is also incumbent that we do da'wah to our family and friends; however this can be done in many ways. As Allah SWT says that we should call people to this path with "wisdom and good preaching".
When it comes to family, it is also a major sin to break family ties, so I would make the following recommendations insha'Allah:
1) When your family has a gathering, as long as you do not fear falling into doing something which Allah will be displeased with then you should attend.
2) When you are there, spend time with your family members; let them benefit from your company and you from theirs. Show them love and compassion always and lead not through too much speech but example. Though they may drink, that does not mean you have to.
3) If you fear the situation may get too "out of hand" then have something ready as a way to leave or get out of the situation.
4) Prior to the event, assist your parents to help in preparations, let them see that you are willing to help.
5) If there are areas within the house where it is a little more quiet from some of the things that make you uncomfortable, then relax there, but be with your relatives. Remember just because they may eat or drink something you don't, does not mean you cannot be with them (UNLESS you fear you will fall into doing what they are doing).
6) When it is time to pray, excuse yourself.
7) Busy yourself at the event with assisting with doing stuff, this way, you can help, not be seen as looking down and also not be confined to a particular place.
Over time, even if your family does not agree, they will respect you and begin to make allowances for the things that make you uncomfortable.
Most importantly, remember to hug and kiss your parents and let them know how much you love, need and appreciate them, because we can always learn and benefit from our parents whether they are Muslim or not!
And Allah knows best!
Sister Jamilah answers :
As-Salaamu 'alaykum,
There are a number of things you can do to help your family feel more comfortable.
1. Remember them with presents at other times of the year, such as Eid, or simply whenever you see them.
2. Stay in frequent contact through phone or email.
3. You may need to spend some time with them during the holiday season. Find a time that feels comfortable to you.
4. Invite them to days that are special to you as a Muslim, such as an 'aqiqah (newborn welcoming feast).
5. Don't criticize their non-Islamic ways. Even if you are simply sharing information, they may feel you are being critical. Speak carefully. Make getting along with them a major mission. Remember there is much blessing in keeping good relations with our family members.
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Isabelle
- United Kingdom
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My problem has to do with raising children. Here in the UK and I’m sure it’s the same in most Western countries, but the streets and shops and schools are all decorated with Christmas decorations. On the other hand, when it’s Eid, no one cares, there are no decorations in the streets… there is no “holiday cheer”. How on earth am I supposed to convince my children—they are in public schools--that being Muslim means you can have fun, and that Christmas is not for us?
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Sister Jamilah answers :
As-Salaamu 'alaykum,
Yes, that's a big problem here in the U.S. too.
I have used a few tactics to tackle this problem. First, I make Eid as special as I can. Treats that they can't have other times of the year. Special activities. Presents, of course. New clothes. Parties with their classmates. Gifts for their teachers. So in the home, first, the kids know that Eid is special.
Also, the community usually has some special activities, and the presence of other Muslims celebrating helps my children feel how special the day is.
Third, when my children were very small I tried to minimize their exposure to Christmas. I realize this is difficult, especially when you have non-Muslim family members. We also talked about why Christmas is not our holiday, and the special meaning behind each of our two Eids.
Raising children is always a struggle, and even more so when we're in the minority. But if you keep trying and give your own good example, your children will get the message.
Brother Jeewan answers:
This is a favor from Allah that stems from love and He is Al-Wadood, may we benefit and teach through this type of Love for Allah. May Allah bless His beloved prophet, family, companions and all those who follow him until the Day of Judgment.
The situation with Christmas is a sensitive one, especially as you say when it is Ramadan/Eid that there is not as much "fuss" over it. This also stems from living in an environment that only celebrates or focuses on primarily one set of religious celebrations.
With regards to this, I think that you must be sensitive, to approach this in a "this is bad, don't have anything to do with it" manner, you may only encourage your children to pursue it. Instead, you must explain to them that Christmas is a religious celebration of one group of people and that is ok, because it is their celebration. And they are our neighbors and it is ok to wish them well for their celebrations.
About Santa Claus, tell them the truth about Santa Claus- he is not real, he is a guy who is dressed up and pretends to give gifts to children. At the same time, you may want to think about if you want your child to tell other children in their classes that he is not real. In my situation, I wanted to respect the other parents' wishes and I told my son (not to lie) just not to discuss it with other children. At the same time you can enjoy the lights and beauty of the trees. If they are older teach them the roots of St. Nick.
At the same time, we have to look at what we do for Eid. Eid is our celebration except in many communities it is almost sad to see the lack of enthusiasm and effort put forward to celebrate Eid as a community event.
In your home, if you can afford it, give your children gifts (if not for both Eids, at least one) and have them look forward to it. Decorate your home for Eid, establish some traditions in your home that you do for Eid, including looking after the poor, decorating, baking, cooking, and inviting others over.
Establish something in your community, invite other mothers and children to do something with their families. At one point, we used to all meet in a community centre with the families, play games, give gifts, give the children treats and have drummers, clowns and other things. Now in Toronto, we do this with about 10000 people turning out. With little steps, big things will be accomplished.
Also turn off the TV around Christmas time OR borrow videos that are appropriate so they will not be inundated with the commercialism that abounds in this time.
And Allah knows best.
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Rob
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I would better call you new militants or new terrorists that don't deserve the blessing of Jesus...
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Sister Jamilah answers :
Hi Rob,
We will all face God on the Day of Judgment. Until then, I can only say, to you be your faith, and to me be mine.
Brother Jeewan answers:
In the Name of God, the Lord of Jesus and Muhammad. The Owner of His revelations be they the Torah, Injeel (Gospel) or Qur'an.
Whatever you choose to call us or however you choose to condemn us, bears no weight on our belief and message. We believe in the messages of Jesus and Muhammad and will not allow the hate/anger/fear of anyone claiming to represent Jesus lead to mistrust or anger of our Christian neighbors and friends. There are many of us who, despite the differences in our beliefs stand united, Christian and Muslim, in our pursuit of the universal truths and commonalities. If Jesus's message was one of love, compassion and one in which he was kindest to the seemingly worst of people why then do you spread hate in his name? Something to consider.
Peace and blessings
And God knows best.
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Dohei
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My son converted to Islam few months ago. He has changed drastically in terms of behaviour and school, but what I still don't like about his conversion is the way he talks about Christmas and Christian holidays. I swear to God I don't offend his faith, but last night I was telling him about the Christmas party we are making in the house, he immediately said, "I can't take part in kafir party." When I asked him about what he meant he told me it means disbelievers. I could not take it to be called a disbeliever. Could you tell me how my son called me a disbeliever though I have lots of faith in God?
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Brother Jeewan answers:
All Praise is due to God, Lord and Cherisher of the worlds. The One lord of Moses, Jesus and Muhammad. May God continue to grant you patience and comfort in the duration of this period of your son's sudden changes. Islam is based on a belief in all messengers of God, including Jesus peace be up on him.
Your son’s reaction may stem from several things:
1. Sometimes when people convert to any faith, they may be overly zealous and try to do too many things at once OR may misunderstand or misinterpret things and do so fully believing that they are right. In this case, your son may believe to acknowledge and/or associate with others of different faiths and to be with his family on their celebrations is wrong, which is a misunderstanding.
2. To call someone a kafir (disbeliever) is something NOT encouraged Islamically, except under strict conditions. The Qur'an talks about Christians and Jews being “people of the book” and being believers. It also acknowledges that those from Jews and Christians and in fact any faith in which people profess the Oneness of God and do not assign partnership to Him that they will be among those who enter Paradise.
3. Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) was kind and extended to utmost consideration and courtesy to ALL people regardless of their faith. While there may be specific things that a Muslim cannot engage in, such as drinking alcohol, consuming pork, engaging in relationships that violate the sanctity of marriage. There is nothing that prevents your son from being with his family on your holidays. He has to be not simply be tolerant of your beliefs, in fact, he has to be respectful of it. You can remind him of the Muslim rulers of Islamic Spain in the 1400’s that the Christians and Jews fled to Islamic Spain from all over Europe in order to learn and study their religion freely. The seerah (story of the life of Muhammad, peace be upon him) is filled with such examples. In fact, in areas of the world such as Indonesia the majority of people accepted Islam because of the patient and upright character of the Muslim businessmen who came there to trade with them.
4. Furthermore, he is to be reminded that after Allah and Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) that he should always be respectful to his parents and speak to them in kindness and with utmost care, whether they are Muslims or not!
It is my hope that this young man tempers his reactions with moderation and compassion and not earn the displeasure of God by causing pain to his family members. No one is saying that he has to violate his beliefs but he should be respectful of the relationship he has with his family and engage with them in a hospitable and loving manner. Websites such as islamonline.net and masnet.org will give you some balanced answers and feedback about the way we should maintain relationships with family.
Thank you for your willingness to reach out for clearer understanding and to maintain a good relationship with your son. I feel the need to apologize for the sharpness of his remark and hope that calm and clear dialogue can be the basis to having a stronger family that is conscious of God and always striving to earn His pleasure.
May you always be blessed with peace, truth and happiness.
And God knows best.
Sister Jamilah answers :
Your son is a very new Muslim. He still has a great deal of zeal over his conversion. Sometimes that zeal can be misdirected. All of us who have converted, I think, have gone through it.
Of course, you are not a kafir, because a kafir is one who totally rejects God. You do have faith. But what your son sees right now is the difference between your faith, which was until recently his faith also, and the new faith he has embraced. It is natural that he would try to make a clear distinction between the old and the new in his own life.
Please be patient with him. As he gets older, and more mature in Islam, he will learn how to temper his enthusiasm with caring and understanding.
If your son wrote to me, I would advise him that Islam teaches great respect for parents.
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Salma
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I recently married a Muslim man and converted to Islam a few months ago. I have a 8 year old Christian daughter from a previous marriage and I am unsure how to handle Christmas with her. Please help me because this issue is causing so much stress. I have always celebrated Christmas for the wrong reason. I have always celebrated with my daughter and she is upset if I don't continue to do what she is used to. My husband is also upset because we are both Muslims. I am just plain sad because it's hard to leave the warm happy feelings of my own childhood and to hurt my daughter is impossible. My family and my ex-husband are all Christians and I feel like I walk a fine line between offending them and offending Islam and my husband. Please help me.
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Sister Jamilah answers :
As-Salamu 'alaykum, Sister Salma,
You are in a difficult position. You want everyone to be pleased, and you especially need to walk a fine line, as you said, in regard to your daughter.
What if she spends Christmas with her father? He could provide all the practices which she is used to. Then you can continue to teach her about Islam, slowly and patiently.
On Eid, you can make that day very special. Buy her new clothes and presents, give her treats, take her to the Eid prayer. Show her that Muslims have something fun to offer.
At eight, I'm sure she feels very confused between her old life with you and the new life you have chosen. Give her time, and lots of space. Remember that this is the first Christmas since your conversion, and she's never had to confront this dilemma before. She knows toys and candy and a happy mommy. It will take her time to accept a new reality.
I wish you all the best.
Brother Jeewan answers:
My dear sister, this is a difficult question and insha'Allah I will do my best to give you some ideas in the short time that we have.
1. First of all, it is important to recognize that this is an emotional issue for you because you are a new Muslim and the change of faith and leaving behind of what was a celebration that brought family together and one in which you shared many memories is difficult.
2. Your husband will be reacting as well because he will understand it from one dimension and needs to remember that it was through his kindness and patience that you were able to understand the wisdom and beauty of Islam.
3. The feeling of depriving their child of something that brings them joy is a difficult situation for any parent.
So I think that there are some alternative things that you want to focus yourself upon to bring some ease to your family.
1. Remember that whatever you do, do it purely for Allah and that the feelings of others should become secondary. This test is one which you can bear, this is a promise of Allah because He explains in the Qur'an that He will not give a burden more that we can bear.
2. Talk to your husband to see what can be done to help her to not feel so lost at a time when she was used to celebrating so many other things.
3. Is it possible that she visits her other relatives on this day and you go with her? This way you will not be doing it in your home but she still has that feeling from being with her relatives.
4. Take her out and talk to her, explain to her why you don’t celebrate it anymore and why you would encourage her to think about what you are saying. If she still identifies as Christian and has not accepted Islam you may also want to consider letting her do something small in her own room, a spot where she may keep gifts she gets from friends and other family members. It is important not to nag her about this but to be patient, this transition needs time.
5. Replace what she lost with Christmas with what comes from Eid. There are two and now she can have two special days, of decorating the home, getting gifts inviting the family over. And because she has a relationship with her father and other relatives she is technically not losing one celebration but gaining two J !
6. Create some traditions where she can also give gifts on Eid to people she wants, this is acceptable.
With time, patience and du'a' you will see that Allah will help her to understand. More importantly, please do not lower your expectations about her ability to eventually understand and accept this new change. It requires patience and a lot of love. And do not underestimate the du'a' of a mother for her child!
And Allah knows best.
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Jersey Man
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What I wanted to ask about is a question from my mom which I found hard to find. I was talking to her about how Muslims are tolerant and they respect people of different faiths. And she came back to me and said, ""how can you preach tolerance and you don't share your own family the times they believe it is feast and blessed?" She meant to say how would I be tolerant if I don't participate in Christmas with them, while they are my own family?
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Brother Jeewan answers:
My dear brother, this is a good question. I answered two similar questions which i think will shed some light on this issue.
I also want to add, (as a revert myself with half-Hindu and half Christian family) that we do not have to become inflexible with our families. Though we may not share the same belief that they have, if it is a time that they come together to share time with each other and to be with family, we can participate with them AS LONG AS WE DO NOT FEAR FALLING INTO SOME TYPE OF SIN.
Many times in such gatherings, you can go, spend time with your family, eat what is halal, drink what is halal and behave in a proper manner without offending anyone. This does not mean that you are compromising your beliefs. We live in societies where there are all kinds of sins and wrong doings happening, because we interact with the people, work in those countries does that mean we believe/behave the same way as everyone else?
The method of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) was such that he made the Muslims distinguish themselves in their appearances (in small ways) and actions. But he never alienated/isolated himself from his people.
How do we want our families to know about Allah and understand why we have embraced this faith if we do not share our lives with them? It is only through compassion and sharing that they will come to know and respect who you are and what you believe in.
Muslims must never be arrogant or feel that they are guided as this is the beginning of misguidance itself.
Be humble, there are some things that we will dislike, hate it in our hearts because if we just come out and condemn everything then we will be committing an even greater sin which is breaking ties with our families - a major sin in Islam.
Allah knows that it some things are not ideal but you are in your family for a reason and if it was not for someone else interacting with us and ignoring some of our wrongdoings, we may have never learned the beauty of this faith.
I am not asking you to compromise your beliefs, but I am asking you to think about the priorities involved and what will be most pleasing to Allah without discarding the beliefs you have come to love and adhere to.
And Allah knows best.
Sister Jamilah answers :
As-Salamu 'alaykum,
This is very tough--and not at all unusual for the families of converts.
Can you set aside some time during the holiday period to be with them? Share a dessert, sit and talk? Of course, I can completely understand that you wouldn't want to spend Christmas Day with them. I don't spend it with my relatives either. Maybe you could visit on December 30, something like that. Or you could have them over, with the understanding that you won't compromise Islam by allowing alcohol, etc.
Sometimes our families are a blessing. And sometimes they are a test. Continue to stay firm, but compromise as much as Islam allows in order to show your family that you do still care for them very much.
By the way, I would try to avoid arguments or even discussions. Convince them through your actions instead.
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Abdelfatah
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Since my reversion to Islam I had a lot of trouble fitting in the Muslim communities. In times of Eid I see my brothers and sisters very busy visiting their family after salah and having a lot of fun. To be honest with you, I was very hurt the first Eid, and I am still suffering especially when I go home and I have no family member sharing the same occasion with me. The Shaitan whispers to me a lot in this time and I find it very hard to tolerate these whispers. Can you please guide me with some tips?
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Brother Jeewan answers:
My dear brother may Allah bless you in the upcoming Eid to be around many who will celebrate its joys and include you as a part of this. Your situation is similar to so many other reverts to Islam. Everyone is happy because people accept Islam but unfortunately people forget that we need support. Because while they may have their families, reverts may not have that support.
I am not sure what part of the world you are writing from but I would suggest a couple things to you:
1. It is understandable that you are hurt, I pray that Allah removes that burden from your heart. Many times, people forget that reverts don’t have family to go to. It is a symptom of being pre-occupied with their own affairs. However, if there are some brothers whom you are close to, you may want to ask them about the possibility of meeting up and doing something together on Eid since you would like to enjoy it as well.
2. If there is someone you trust, confide in them about your feelings of being hurt from being excluded. This is your right before your brothers and you have a right to say so. Don’t worry about what they may think. Actually you may fine that some of them may feel quite sad that they did not realize this before.
3. Look for any events that may be going on and see how you can participate/assist on that day.
4. If you feel this way, there are other reverts who feel the same, find a way to network with them and plan a public outing to celebrate this joyous day.
5. Make du'a' that Allah will change things for you for the next Eid.
6. As for the whispers of Shaitan, seek refuge in Allah from this and ask for His guidance and sakina (tranquility). Remember that Allah will reward you for any of the sacrifices you make in His way (and this is one of them) and you will get something better in return for it.
7. TREAT YOURSELF in someway, go out, buy yourself something, do something that you enjoy.
May Allah bless and guide you and make you a light on His path.
And Allah knows best.
Sister Jamilah answers :
As-Salamu 'alaykum,
Those times are very difficult, especially if you don't yet have a family of your own.
Are there some single brothers whom you could get to know better? Play basketball together, that kind of thing? Try to develop friendships throughout the year, and at Eid I'm sure one of your friends, at least, will make sure you're not alone.
But what about this Eid? Does your community have family activities at the masjid or other venues? Then attend, even if you don't have a family of your own. Push yourself to be in the gatherings, and sooner or later you will start to make friends. Go to classes at the masjid. Attend lectures. Be a very familiar face.
It is all easier said than done, I know. You may have to force yourself. And sometimes, especially when the brothers and sisters are speaking in Arabic, Urdu, whatever, you will still feel like an outsider. But you have to keep on striving.
When Shaitan whispers, do your best not to be alone. Go out in public--the masjid is best, but anywhere is preferable to being alone at those times. Remember Allah often at those times. Work hard to build up your strength. And make du'a' that Allah will give you someone with whom you can share your Eids.
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Khaled
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What are the main important facts that you need to focus on in a gather for new Muslims before Christmas time just to make them feel they are in another community that has a different faith ceremonies?
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Brother Jeewan answers:
I believe that when it comes to new Muslims you do not need to do much in terms of helping them to feel that they are in another community that has different faith ceremonies. They will know this because they made a choice to become Muslims and would know that it entails some different things.
However what I think needs to be focused upon is how to include new Muslims so that they feel as if they are a part of a community of believers who love and accept them for who they are. You can do this in several ways:
1) Invite them to spend Eid with your families several weeks before Eid so that they know they are invited and feel important and included.
2) Give them gifts if possible
3) Try to create an atmosphere where there are other reverts there with whom they can relate
4) Avoid speaking in other languages in front of them so that they just quiet down and stop participating.
5) Keep remembering to put yourself in their shoes to see how they may be feeling
6) Check to see if they need anything for Eid before the day because they may not say.
7) Remember to tell them that you love them and wish them the best.
And Allah knows best!
Sister Jamilah answers :
As-Salamu 'alaykum, Khalid.
That's a good question.
I would say that the most important thing to remember is that we have our own festivities. They are not as widely celebrated in Western countries, but they are very important. We should prepare for them, anticipate them, and appreciate them for the deep spiritual meanings behind these holidays.
I have adapted some of my old holiday ways to Islam. Such as buying presents for my children ahead of time and hiding them in my closet. I don't think there is any harm in it, and it makes me feel comfortable. Our Eids have so much room for celebrating, that they really are all we need.
But when Christmas comes around, it is natural to feel left out. We used to do that. We used to be a part of it. Now we're on the outside looking in. At those times, we need to remember why we chose Islam, and thank Allah for guiding us to the right path.
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Begum Shofiq
- Bangladesh
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Salaam: If parent promise that there will be no alcohol or pork, then is it ok for a revert to join Christian's festivals?
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Sister Jamilah answers :
As-Salamu 'alaykum,
What is your intention?
If is to be with family and build stronger relations with them, then I see no problem in joining with them if, as you say, there is no alcohol or pork.
If, on the other hand, you think you may be tempted to actually celebrate with them, or worry that Shaitan may whisper (are you sure you want to give all this up?) then stay away.
I'm sure you'll make the right intention, and the right decision.
Brother Jeewan answers:
My dear sister, may Allah bless you for seeing to do what is right before Allah SWT. If they are making accommodations to ensure that your child is comfortable and then I don’t see a reason why you cannot participate.
And Allah knows best
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Enas
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I have a daughter from my previous husband who was a Christian. By law we have to share the daughter and we divide the visits. When she is with him, he always speaks bad about Muslims and instills Christian beliefs in her. When she is with me, I try to ask her some questions to see what her dad was talking to her about, but I hate to do this all the time because I get mad and she starts to love him more because he does not yell at her. I really want some advice on how I raise my daughter following the teachings of Islam.
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Sister Jamilah answers :
As-Salamu 'alaykum Enas,
You are in a difficult position. The most important advice I can give to you is, be patient.
You don't say how old your daughter is. It may not matter. Whatever the age, children don't want to be put into the middle of their parents' battles. This is what is happening.
What you have to do – and it won't be easy – is refuse to be part of the battle. Your ex-husband will continue to say bad things about Muslims. Expect that.
What you need to do is control yourself. Be the better person. Don't ask your daughter what her father has said. Just show her the positive aspects of Islam, without saying anything about Christianity. Show her the beauty that you yourself have found in Islam. Again, stay quiet about Christianity. And don't say anything negative about her father.
I know it will be very hard. I'm sure you'll have to pray for patience and strength. But you will come out far ahead if you let him be the negative one.
One more thing: teach your daughter about Islam, but don't impose Islam on her. When she's ready, then you can gradually ask more of her. For now, stick to the bare minimum.
Brother Jeewan answers:
My dear sister, you are in a difficult situation and I understand your concerns. Whatever you do, your ex-husband will do what he can to try and bring all kinds of ideas to the mind of your daughter. By Allah’s mercy, she will one day be able to determine what is true and not on her own. In the mean time, you can provide her with a lot of knowledge of Islam not through your words but through your actions.
While it is important that you understand the lies that her father is filling in her mind, it is even more important that it does not damage the relationship you have with her because you lose your temper. When this happens, you are fulfilling the lies of her father. If it is too emotional an issue for you then maybe you can wait until you are calm before you try to understand what he says.
Remember when she tells you that your reaction may just reinforce his words so stop yourself, be calm and answer as best as you can or wait until you are calm enough to answer. It may be best to just spend time being a mother to your daughter and developing your relationship as mother and daughter and as friends.
At times, it can be extremely difficult for children to understand why their parents are doing different things and it can not only become a source of tension and confusion but they can also feel trapped in a difficult family situation, especially if there is tension. It is important that the home environment is tranquil so as to allow the child to develop in the best possible environment for their benefit in this life and the next.
Islam is the synthesis of all prior revealed religions. This does not mean that he cannot tell the child about his way of life and his religion; however she should still be raised according to Islamic guidelines in your home. I am sure that once you spend some time sharing Islam with her, she will see that it emphasizes what is best for her throughout her life. She will naturally know this as she continues to be exposed to your life. When she is old enough, by Allah’s mercy, she will be wise enough to choose for herself.
Perhaps you can talk to your husband about this or maybe even the judge (through a lawyer) to get him to stop his malicious behaviour. If not, remember that kindness and patience will win her heart by Allah’s mercy. And don’t underestimate your relationship with her, keep making du'a' for Allah to assist you in this and expect that He will! I am sure from your example you will find that it truly will teach your child how to understand and accept differences of faith of all people and to become a God-fearing and righteous individual who would advocate for justice for all people regardless of faith, color or creed.
In the competition between the rock and the stream, it is not the rock that is firm and imposing that wins, instead it is the patience and perseverance of the stream that conquers the rock.
And God knows best.
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Fatima Younes
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My kid loves Christmas to death and Santa Claus. How can I wean him off?
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Sister Jamilah answers :
As-Salamu 'alaykum Fatima,
I'm glad you used the word "wean," because teaching kids is a gradual process. We can't do it by force.
When Christmas comes, try as much as possible to treat it like any other day. No special treats, etc. He may get grumpy. That's normal. Most kids don't like change.
Then when Eid comes, and it's coming very soon, make it a very big deal. We don't have anything like Santa Claus, but we have the community of Muslims to celebrate with. Buy him new clothes he likes. Get him some nice toys. Give him treats. Let him invite a Muslim friend or two to the house. Go to the Eid prayer together and let him see the hundreds or thousands of people, all dressed up, who think this is the most special day. You can decorate the house too if you want, and bake cookies. Some companies sell Eid banners, hats, etc.
Once he sees, over a period of a year or so, just how special Eid is, he won't feel bad about not celebrating Christmas. But remember to be patient. Kids do not like change.
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Editor
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Finally, we would like to thank Brother Jeewan Chanicka and and Sister Jamilah Kolocotronis for taking the time to answer the questions of Islamonline viewers today, and we also thank all those who participated in this dialogue. We apologize for not being able to accommodate all the questions within the time allocated to this session. If you feel your question is very important, feel free to contact us at EngLivedialogue@islamonline.net and we will try our best to answer your question. We request our readers to join us in upcoming sessions.
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